We’re Born Sexists – And it’s Time to Man-Up and Admit it [Satire]

Let’s be honest with ourselves, we actually know that men are privileged. We just don’t want to admit it. But I think that after I finally take the first step, my fellow men will join me, as well. Embracing the problem is the first step to fighting the patriarchy. A man-only boy-club that hurts us men, by not allowing us to express our emotions.

This patriarchy is deeply rooted in politics, making global warming, not only a humanitarian issue, but a feminist one! Women in the South will be more affected by climate change than men in those countries, and men in the North pollute more than women. So the female gender is more virtuous with the environment, and more vexed by its changes at the same time; this is the reason we link feminism and glacier studies together.

Never mind the fact that women are the most free in western countries than they have been in the entire human history, and that college campuses are safe havens; that’s just rape apologist talk! We all know, deep inside we feel it, that the 1 in 4 rape statistic is true! And if you say “1 in 3” it’s even better, because what we need to push our obviously-not-ideologically-driven agenda forward are not actual facts, but mass hysteria! It’s so easy, really. Never mind that the actual statistic of college campus rape is 6 per thousand (0.6%), as opposed to our 250 per thousand claim (25%).

And what about the totally-not-fake wage gap? Women still make 77 cents on the dollar that a man makes for the same job! Or is it 78 now?
Women still make 76 cents on the dollar that a man make…
Women still make 77 cents on the dollar that a man makes for the same job, that is outrageous. That’s why, to protest that, women should skip work and march on the streets demanding for equal pay; therefore, working fewer hours and getting paid less, then blame it on men who decided to work while women complained that they get paid less because they didn’t work as much. And we shouldn’t mention that men work more, because it’s sexist. You expect women to get paid their worth and according to their contribution to the employer, and not the same as a man, no matter how many hours more, or how much more experience he has? Are you a sexist? Do you hate women? How many women have you raped? What’s wrong with the color pink, is it not manly enough? Your privilege is showing, sweetie!

What we should do, is follow the teachings of Muhammad (pbuh), who was the world’s first feminist! Yeah, he occasionally beat his wives, and married a nine year old – but Muslims are people of color, so critiquing them is racist!

I myself, identify as a femsoc. A feminist-centered socialist ideology, who’s final goal is the equality of both men and women of all genders, by using the biggest pollutant, criminal, and killer in human history – the government. Yes, we hate the government and throw tantrums when we don’t get it our way, that’s why we’re gonna give it ultimate power and monopoly over everything; but this one will be different, because now WE’LL be in charge. You’re just gonna have to trust us, so let us take everyone’s money and redistribute it based on skin color and gender. This is so anti-racist and progressive, I’m surprised we never tried it before.

Men are women, and women are men; but men are privileged, and women are oppressed; but men and women have literally no differences, since one can arbitrarily change into the other; but we need a woman president, because women are just as good as men, even though it’d be the same since men and women have no differences; but it would be different because she’d be a woman! Makes sense to me.

Now, I’m a straight white cis male, so my opinion on these issues doesn’t matter much. That alone tells you how progressive I am! I want equality between races, genders, and sexualities, so all cis white straight men should shut up about it.


Progressivism? Not even once. ✨🌟💫


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